Dear Haya,
I’m a mother of three children, all under the age of 10 — two of them go to school and one is a toddler. My problem is that I’m unable to spend quality time with my children as a busy housewife and can barely manage to check how they’re doing at school. Both my daughters go for tuitions, but I still strongly feel guilty about my lack of involvement in their academic life.
It’s mainly due to the pressure of managing chores at home and living in a joint family. We are a big family and the responsibilities are also accordingly set. I don’t mind managing my responsibilities and try my best to give as much attention to my young children as I can.
This guilt of not being able to invest time in their academic life just makes me feel terrible as a mother. By the time I’m done with all my chores at night, it’s time to put my kids to sleep. There is a continuous cycle of mom guilt that I’m experiencing. How do I work around it? Please help!
— A guilty mother
Dear guilty mother,
Thank you for reaching out and sharing your heartfelt concerns. As a mother of three young children living in a joint family, your challenges are valid and deeply relatable. Balancing responsibilities while striving to be fully present for your children is a lot to carry, and the guilt you’re experiencing reflects how much you care about their well-being. These experiences are what make you human.
You’ve already identified the key area you’re struggling with — struggling to spend enough quality time with your kids and being less involved in their academic lives due to the demands of managing a busy household. It’s clear that the attention you’re able to give doesn’t feel like enough to you, which can understandably be disheartening.
Let’s explore what you can do to address this challenge.
The first thing to understand is that you are a human being with limited energy and time. It’s impossible to do everything perfectly, and that’s okay. Managing your time and energy in ways that feel most resourceful to you is the key to finding balance.
Keeping in mind limited time and energy you need to ask yourself what matters most to you.
If your involvement in your children’s lives is something you truly value, you’ll need to align your time and energy accordingly. Here’s how you can start:
Ask yourself:
- What specific ways can I carve out quality time with my children, even in small moments?
- Are there household responsibilities I can delegate or streamline?
- How can I create a balance that allows me to feel more involved without overwhelming myself?
Here are some ways you can:
Ask for help and delegate some tasks: Living in a joint family can be an advantage. Reach out to your family members and let them know how this situation is impacting you and the children. Share specific ways they can support you, whether it’s taking on some chores or helping with childcare.
Set boundaries: Delegate specific times when you focus on your kids without any interruptions of household chores.
Prioritise connection over perfection: Children value love and presence more than perfection. Even a few minutes of intentional connection can make a huge difference in their emotional and academic lives.
Carve out small, meaningful moments: A bedtime chat about their day, a quick cuddle, or asking them one specific question about school (“What’s something you learned today that made you smile?”) would allow you some time to connect with them.
Turn chores into bonding opportunities: Involve your school-aged kids in small, age-appropriate household tasks. It not only lightens your load but also gives you time together.
Create mini rituals with the kids: Children thrive on predictability. Small, regular rituals can help you stay connected without requiring significant time. For example, a 10-minute “school highlights” talk over dinner, reading a story together before bedtime, writing small notes for their lunchboxes to show you care.
Reframe your guilt: Know that you are human, and you are doing the best that you can. No parent can do everything perfectly. Focus on what you are doing and what you can do and choose your battles. Reframe your guilt with gratitude, acknowledge that your love and effort, even if not always visible to you, are felt by your children. Express and communicate with them how you feel about them.
Remember, feeling like you’re falling short is natural, but it’s important to extend yourself grace. Acknowledge and celebrate your small wins; Every smile, every hug, every chore completed is evidence of your hard work and love.
What truly matters is the love and care you pour into your family every day. Even small adjustments to your routine can lead to meaningful changes. You are doing the best you can.
— Haya
Haya Malik is a psychotherapist, Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) practitioner, corporate well-being strategist and trainer with expertise in creating organisational cultures focused on well-being and raising awareness around mental health.
Send her your questions to [email protected]
Note: The advice and opinions above are those of the author and specific to the query. We strongly recommend our readers consult relevant experts or professionals for personalised advice and solutions. The author and Geo.tv do not assume any responsibility for the consequences of actions taken based on the information provided herein. All published pieces are subject to editing to enhance grammar and clarity.
